Slide background
Bending To The Truth

Sex Before Marriage?

Taking A Byte Out Of Lies

Is premarital sex wrong?
Should we live boring lives of abstinence?

Q:"Is premarital sex wrong? Why are all the things that are fun and exciting wrong according to you christians? Why would a God who loved say that you can not do things that are fun?"


Our A:Consider this, is driving a car wrong? No. Is driving a car for an 13-year-old wrong? Yes. It's fun and exciting for the 13-year-old, but it puts his life and other lives in jeopardy.

Dr. Henry Brandt, in the Collegiate Challenge magazine, said that there is a syndrome, a pattern, when couples come to him. They say, "At first, sex was exciting. Then I started feeling funny about myself, and then I started feeling funny about my partner. We argued and fought and finally we broke up. Now we are enemies."

Protecting The Wrong Thing

There Is A Better Way

This syndrome is what I call the morning-after syndrome. We wake up and find that intimacy is not really there. The sexual relationship does not satisfy us anymore, and what we end up with is not what we really wanted in the first place. All you have is two self-centered people seeking self-satisfaction. The elements of genuine love and intimacy cannot be obtained "instantly," and you find yourself in an unbalanced state, searching for harmony.

Is sex, which is fun, between a husband and wife wrong? No. Is sex wrong if it's with someone else's spouse? Yes. It may be fun and exciting, but it often brings tremendous heartache to that person's spouse and the children involved.

I believe that what we really want is not sex. What we really want is intimacy.

Today, the word intimacy has taken on sexual connotations. But it is much more than that. It includes all the different dimensions of our lives -- yes, the physical, but also the social, emotional, mental and spiritual aspects as well. Intimacy really means total life sharing. And haven't we all had the desire at one time or another for closeness, for oneness, for sharing our life with someone totally?

We like to determine what is right and wrong, according to what we want. That's human nature. If we want to have sex with someone, we want to set our own standards. Often our standards are, if they're not married, then ok. But what if the other person is put at risk for a sexually transmitted disease? Now it gets fuzzy. What if the person is put at risk for pregnancy and faces the difficult decision of abortion? Fuzzy also. What if the person is a relative? What if the person is the same sex? What if it's sex for payment? What if it's sex for pornography? What if it involves children?

What's fun and exciting to one person may be viewed as very wrong by someone else. Is it? Where does a person determine what is right and wrong?

What is it about love that scares us?

Is There Real Love?

Marshall Hodge wrote a book called Your Fear of Love. In it he says, "We long for moments of expressions of love, closeness and tenderness, but frequently, at the critical point, we often draw back. We are afraid of closeness. We are afraid of love." Later in the same book Hodge states, "The closer you come to somebody, the greater potential there is for pain." It is the fear of pain that often drives us away from finding true intimacy.

Love is more than emotions, and it is much more than a good feeling. But our society has taken what God has said about love, sex and intimacy and changed it into simply emotions and feelings. God describes love in great detail in the Bible, especially in the Book of First Corinthians, chapter 13. So that you catch the full weight of God's definition of love, let me present verses four through seven (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) to you this way. How much would it meet your needs if a person loved you as God says we should be loved:

  • if this person responded to you with patience, kindness, and was not envious of you?
  • if this person was not boastful or prideful?
  • how about if this person wasn't rude toward you or self-seeking or easily angered?
  • what if this person didn't keep a record of your wrongs?
  • how about if they refused to be deceitful, but always were truthful with you?
  • what if this person protected you, trusted you, always hoped for your good, and persevered through conflicts with you?

To love this way, we need to feel loved.

This is how God defines the love He wants us to experience in relationships. You'll notice that this kind of love is "other-person" focused. It is giving, rather than self-seeking. And there's the problem. Who can live up to this?

For us to experience this kind of love in relationships we need to first experience God's love for us. You can't consistently demonstrate this kind of love toward someone if you've never experienced being loved in this way. God, who knows you, who knows everything about you, loves you perfectly.

God tells us through the ancient prophet, Jeremiah, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; and I have drawn you unto Myself" (Jeremiah 31:3). So God's love for you is never going to change.

A loving God has made his wisdom on life known to us. He says that sin is pleasurable for the moment. There probably isn't any sin which is not at the moment pleasurable. But pleasure can't be our only standard for making decisions. Think how fun it would have been to really severely smack a younger brother or sister at times. Pleasurable for the moment, but fortunately we hold back because pleasure isn't our only guide.

God wants to keep us from horrendous problems which we can bring on ourselves by the stupid decisions we make. He genuinely loves us and wants to protect us from decisions and behavior that will ruin our lives or someone else's life.

Why does God (who created sex) restrict sex to marriage? Is it to spoil people's fun or to insure that a couple enjoys the deepest level of intimacy possible, reserved for only each other? When God gives us guidance his motives are pure and prompted by his love for us.

God loved us so much that He allowed for Jesus Christ to be crucified (an ancient form of execution) for our sins so that we might be made clean. We read in the Bible, "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16). When we turn to God and accept His forgiveness, then we begin to experience His love.

What is it like to be loved like this?

God continues to love us no matter what. Often, relationships end when something in them is altered, such as a damaging accident or the loss of financial position. But God's love is not based on our physical appearance or who or what we are.

As you can see, God's view of love is totally different from what society tells us love is. Can you imagine a relationship with this kind of love? God simply tells us that His forgiveness and love is ours for the asking. It is His gift to us. But if we refuse the gift, we are the ones who cut ourselves off from finding true fulfillment, true intimacy and true purpose in life.



So, Is Sex Before Marriage OK?

Go And Sin No More

Got Questions? is a ministry of dedicated and trained servants who have a desire to assist others in their understanding of God, Scripture, salvation, and other spiritual topics. We are Christian, Protestant, evangelical, theologically conservative, and non-denominational. We view ourselves as a para-church ministry, coming alongside the church to help people find answers to their spiritually related questions. We will do our best to prayerfully and thoroughly research your question and answer it in a biblically based manner. It is not our purpose to make you agree with us, but rather to point you to what the Bible says concerning your question. You can be assured that your question will be answered by a trained and dedicated Christian who loves the Lord and desires to assist you in your walk with Him. Our writing staff includes pastors, youth pastors, missionaries, biblical counselors, Bible/Christian college students, seminary students, and lay students of God's Word.

  • YouTube


Why Is God Against Sexual Freedom?

Sex Before Marriage

Solas Centre for Public Christianity

Dr. Andy Bannister is the Director of Solas and an Adjunct Lecturer at Wycliffe College, University of Toronto. Andy holds a PhD in Islamic studies and is an Adjunct Research Fellow at the Centre for the Study of Islam and Other Faiths at Melbourne School of Theology. Andy is the author of an academic book, An Oral-Formulaic Study of the Qur'an, and two popular-level books: The Atheist Who Didn't Exist, and his latest: Do Muslims and Christians Worship the Same God?. When not travelling, speaking, or writing, Andy is a keen hiker, mountain climber, and photographer. He is married to Astrid; they have two children, Caitriona and Christopher.

Solas Centre for Public Christianity is a ministry organisation based in Scotland. We are persuasively communicating the transforming truth of who Jesus is and empowering Christians to do the same.

  • YouTube