Do You Have an Anxious Mind?

Spreading The Truth One Byte At A Time

By Ron Bender© 2008, 2013

“Don’t worry. Be happy!” It’s not that easy! I know. I used to be plagued with anxiety. Mostly for others now latly for my wife and I.

Many people struggle with anxiety or worry. Even at night they can’t seem to slow down and relax. Their minds just won’t let them rest. Why did I say that to him? …What will they think about me? …How am I going to pay my bills? …I have to get over this and be stronger.

You don’t have to live with worry like this! You can experience more of God’s peace.

God Understands

Many years ago as a young adult I read in the Bible, “Do not be anxious about anything” and immediately I felt more anxious! I thought, What’s the matter with me? I shouldn’t be so anxious all the time. I must not be a good Christian! Maybe you’ve struggled with thoughts like this.

Later, I realized that I had committed what I’ve come to call a “Biblical blunder that bruises and confuses!” I had misinterpreted the Bible and harmed myself in the process. I began to understand what God was really saying to me in His Word when I read the passage more carefully and in context:

The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:5b-7)

Oh! I discovered that the Apostle Paul is encouraging me to rely upon God’s care when I start to worry. He wasn’t shaming me or encouraging me to deny my feelings. The comforting truth in this passage is that God is near me and when I’m anxious He offers me His peace, a peace that will protect my soul and body from the destructive effects of continual anxiety. My part in experiencing God’s peace is to ask God for what I need and to thank Him for the good things He provides.

What Is Anxiety?

To be anxious is to worry or fixate on troubles. You’re restless, agitated, or burdened. Your body is uncomfortable and your mind won’t slow down. It’s hard for you to relax, sometimes even at bedtime. You may have fears, nightmares, or flashbacks. You may have trouble saying “no” to people.

To test your anxiety levels you may want to take my self-test Do You Have A-N-X-I-E-T-Y?

How Anxiety Problems Develop

People who struggle with anxiety perpetuate their problem without realizing it. Let me explain. Anxiety is a “secondary emotion” that is the result of conflicting tensions between “stressors” that elicit emotion and “repressors” that deny that emotion. (See the diagram, “How Anxiety Problems Develop.”)

Before we feel anxious two things happen. First, we experience stress or an injury and feel hurt, afraid, angry, sad, guilty, or needy. And then we deny or avoid that feeling, even though it’s a natural and healthy response. We’re too busy to pause and feel our feelings. Or the feelings don’t fit our expectations of who we should be. The combination of the elicitors and repressors is like a chemical reaction that creates anxiety. If the anxiety is intense or chronic then there will be an explosion, likely in the form of an anxiety disorder.

I talk to many people struggling with anxiety and I tell them that they’re fighting themselves. It’s like they’ve got one foot on the gas and the other on the brake and so they’re spinning out of control and damaging their engine. It’s appropriate to feel scared when someone or something threatens your well-being and so your body instinctively gears up into the fight-or-flight response, but the anxious person tries to shut down the fear, creating anxiety that over time can damage their soul and body.

To use another analogy, anxiety occurs when you hold the lid down on your pot of boiling emotions. Eventually, the pressure becomes too great and the lid blows with a panic attack or other anxiety disorder, an angry outburst, or “acting out” with compulsive behavior (e.g., alcohol, overeating, sex). As we’ll discuss later, instead of holding the lid down we need to let off some steam (verbalize our feelings and needs) and turn down the heat (set our limits).

I Grew Up With Anxiety

As a child I took in too much stress by listening to and being concerned about the things that upset my Mom, Dad, and others. I took on too much responsibility and lived with burdensome expectations. And I didn’t release the pressures and pains because I didn’t talk about my feelings. I didn’t even feel my feelings. Instead I worried and I worked to solve my problems, and everyone else’s too!

By the time I was a young adult I developed what I later learned is called Generalized Anxiety Disorder. This means I experienced persistent anxiety and worry about stressful situations. I spent a lot of time worrying intensely and my worry was out of proportion to what was realistic for the situation.

It took me a number of years as an adult to learn helpful ways of dealing with anxiety and to experience inner peace. I used things like educating myself, relaxation exercises, physical exercise, lifestyle changes, prayer and other things to find some relief. Today I still struggle some with anxiety at times, but it’s so much better. Now because I have better boundaries to limit the stress I intake. And I’ve learned how to process my feelings with a caring friend and experience peace.

Panic Disorder

According to the National Institute of Mental health, Anxiety Disorders are the most common mental disorder, affecting one in eight Americans between the ages of 18-54. That’s nearly 20 million anxious people! The most common anxiety disorder is Panic Disorder.

It’s frightening to experience a panic disorder. You feel like you’re being smothered and can hardly breathe. Your heart pounds and hurts and you’re afraid you’re having a heart attack. You tremble or feel tingling or numbness in your hands and feet and you’re afraid you’re going to faint. You start sweating or have hot and cold flashes. You feel like you’re not all there; it all feels so unreal. And worst of all, you’re afraid that you’re going crazy and that you’re going to die!

Once someone has had a panic attack they develop “anticipatory anxiety,” in which they’re afraid of having another attack. Of course, this makes the anxiety worse! Panic Disorder also can become associated with Agoraphobia. People with Agoraphobia restrict themselves to “safe places” because of a fear of having a panic attack in a public place and not being able to escape.

An Example

Jon’s Panic

Jon’s (not his real name) panic was triggered whenever he would catch a cold, get an infection, or have an allergic reaction. (Initiating circumstance.) The congestion would make breathing a little more difficult. (Unpleasant bodily symptoms.) He’d start worrying that he wouldn’t be able to breathe. Then he’d sniff compulsively. His sniffing and worrying would keep him from falling asleep. (Increased focus on symptoms.) Then he’d tell himself that he’d be up all night, and he wouldn’t be able to function at work the next day. He’d even think that he was going to suffocate. (Catastrophic interpretation.) Then he’d have a panic attack.

Did you follow the progression of Jon’s panic attacks? Here it is:

Initiating Circumstance -> Unpleasant Body Symptoms -> Worry -> Catastrophic Interpretation -> PANIC!

Learning to be Patient

Anxious people like Jon that I talk to hate the word patience! They want their symptoms – panic attacks, phobias, obsessive-compulsive behavior, trauma reactions, or chronic worry – to go away now.

They’re frustrated with themselves that they can’t make them stop and don’t realize that their attempt to control (deny) their anxiety is part of their problem. Paradoxically, the quickest route to cure (not just eliminating symptoms, but experiencing peace) begins with accepting your problem and being patient with a therapeutic process.

Why patience? The effects of continual stress and denial of feelings is cumulative. Each additional pressure or injury that is not responded to with care exacerbates previous unresolved stress and lodges itself in your body and soul. This is why people are often surprised when they discover they have an anxiety problem. It seems to them like there’s no reason for it! In actuality, they experienced “the straw that broke the camel’s back” and only then did they realize that they needed help!

So undoing the negative effects of chronic build-up of anxiety takes time, not time alone, but time with treatment, care from others and yourself, setting boundaries, and using relaxation techniques.

Reading the Indicator Lights

You wouldn’t drive your car without checking the gauges. You ask yourself, Do I have enough gas? How fast am I going? Do I need to take my care in for an oil change? Yet, if you struggle with anxiety you probably don’t monitor your soul and respond to it’s needs. Anxious people typically neglect to fill their tanks with care, push themselves beyond reasonable speed limits, and hesitate to ask for help.

For some people, their anxiety gauges are obvious. For Jon it was his obsessive worries about his breathing, he focused on his sniffing, his symptom wasn’t a problem as much as it was warning signs of a deeper problem – missing a sense of peace (comfort, self-acceptance, well-being) inside.

For you, reading your soul’s anxiety gauge probably begins with listening to your body. When you’re anxious it’ll show up in your body with shortness of breath, heart palpitations, tightness or pain in the chest, discomfort in your stomach or bowels, twitching, shaky hands, sweaty palms, or tingling. These symptoms are warning signs that you need to slow down, relax, feel, and talk about your feelings. It’s harder to do, but ultimately you want to respond the same way to your feelings. Whenever you feel angry, scared, or sad it means your soul needs caring attention.

How I Faced My Fear

The first time I was asked to be a speaker at a conference a number of years ago I was afraid. Don’t get me wrong, at first I was excited, but later I started thinking about it. Maybe they don’t really want me. I’m just filling in for someone who had to cancel. I got more and more scared.

Then I told myself, You can’t be afraid. You’ll make a fool of yourself in front of many people! If you can’t calm down then you just need to cancel.

Of course, this harsh treatment of myself and denial of my fears only made me more anxious. Eventually, I woke up to what I was doing – I had reverted back to my old, destructive ways of coping with anxiety – demands on my self, denial of feelings, and avoidance of what scared me!

Instead, I accepted that as a speaker I didn’t have to be perfect, but was a “work in progress.” I started processing my feelings with my wife and a friend to find comfort. And I determined not to avoid my fear of public speaking, but to face it.

What if I had chosen to reduce my anxiety by not taking speaking engagement? Unfortunately, it’s easy for anxious people to make choices like this, hiding their gifts and shrinking their worlds. To face your fears, as I learned in this situation, helps you to gain confidence, which over time helps to reduce your anxiety.

Learning to Set Limits

Most people with anxiety problems expect themselves to be super strong. They think that they should always be “calm, cool, and collected.” Control is their operative word. They do too much, take on more responsibility than they can handle, try too hard to please other people, and deny their feelings and needs. Eventually it catches up to them in bouts of anxiety. They need to learn to acknowledge their limits and say no sometimes.

This was a big part of my generalized anxiety disorder. I had to accept that I couldn’t do everything I wanted to do, but I need to prioritize more and let some things go. I learned when I needed to say no to someone’s request because I didn’t have time or energy or had another commitment to keep. I spent more time relaxing (I’m still working on that one!) and I gave myself permission to feel, to need, and to struggle. Limits like these were an important part of helping me to feel more peace.

You know you’ve developed strong boundaries when you’re able to be with people that used to agitate you or “make you” anxious and now they don’t. You’re able to be in relationship and to be separate at the same time. What a relief! What a confidence builder!

Using Positive Self Talk to Cope with Anxiety

People with anxiety problems typically experience an escalation of fear. Their fear feeds on itself, getting worse and worse. Let’s get inside the mind of the anxious person to see how their negative self-talk is a part of this viscous cycle and then let’s consider how using positive self-talk can help to stabilize and calm the person who is anxious:

Negative Self-Talk Escalates Fear

Threat	Negative Self-Talk	Body Symptoms	Negative Self-Talk	Panic
(1st Fear)	Repression	(2nd Fear)	Catastrophic	(3rd Fear)
Hurt	“I’m too sensitive.”	Racing heart	“I can’t stand this!”
Conflict	“I can’t have needs.”	Shallow breathing	“I’m losing control.”
Stress	“I’ve got to be strong.”	Sweaty	“What will others think?”
Demand	“I can’t show feelings.”	Twitches	“I’m going to die!”
Violation		Tingling
Criticism		Dizziness
		Upset stomach

Positive Self-Talk Calms Fear

Threat	Positive Self-Talk	Body Symptoms	Positive Self-Talk	Coping
	Affirmation		Accepting
	“It’s normal to feel.”		“I can handle this.”
	“My needs are ok.”		“Let it pass. Ride it out.”
	“It’s courageous to admit my struggle “		“My friend accepts my fears.”
	“I can share with a friend.”		“I’ve survived this before.”

How Affirming Self-Talk Helps Anxiety

Responding to the fear that may accompany stress or hurt with affirming self-talk (instead of denying your feelings) is calming. Accepting the reality of anxiety symptoms in your body (instead of reacting with catastrophic thinking) is also calming. In other words, rather than fight against your feelings and your body you seek to understand, validate, and comfort your feelings. The way you learn to do this is by internalizing caring messages from people (like a counselor, friend, or support group leader) who listen to your anxiety.

Entrusting Your Feelings to God and Others

This is at the heart of any antidote for anxiety. Earlier I said that anxiety is a secondary emotion. We feel anxious when we deny our fear or hurt or anger. So it makes sense that we feel less anxious when we talk through the underlying feelings with someone we trust.

What’s the power in verbalizing your feelings? What makes this helpful for people who are anxious? Sharing feelings with a listener is cathartic or relieving of tension when you “let go” of what’s troubling you by letting someone else feel what you feel and help to carry your load. The turmoil becomes less intense and more manageable.

Putting words to what you’re feeling gives you perspective on your struggle, helping you to understand your situation more clearly and to think through any decisions. It helps you to realize that your feelings are valid, real, and understandable. Realizing that someone cares enough to listen and to understand and to struggle with you is comfort for your hurt and encouragement for getting through your problem. In time you realize that you feel more peace.

In the Psalms of the Bible, David, the author of most of them, gives us a model for sharing our troubles with God. By writing out or simply praying our own psalms we too can experience more of God’s peace. Like David, we tell God just what we’re feeling, even if it’s anger at Him, and He listens and is concerned and responsive. David also shows us how to receive God’s care by thanking Him for his provisions, starting with the smallest of blessings.

Learning to Relax

There are many helpful relaxation exercises that help to reduce your anxiety and increase your peace.

Physical exercise and progressive muscle relaxation (tensing and relaxing different muscle groups) are helpful because anxiety accumulates in your body.

Deep breathing is important because when people are anxious they breathe shallow. This is easy to do at any moment and you’ll find immediate help with just a few repetitions of breathing in deep, holding your breathe in for at least seven seconds, and then slowing exhaling.

Meditation is another tool. My favorite is to go through Psalm 23, visualizing the scenes and forming specific prayers around each of the healing principles in this psalm. There are many other passages in the Bible that offer soothing or insight for dealing with anxiety.

Prayer has been scientifically proven to induce states of relaxation. You can pray by asking God for what you need, thanking Him for particular blessings, or pouring out your heart to Him as David did in the Psalms.

 

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Thank you!

Ron

Ronald Bender- President/CEO Bender Consulting.~http://www.benderbytes.net/bender_consult