Responding To Abuse

Spreading The Truth One Byte At A Time

By Ron Bender© 2008, 2013

Tragically, some people suffer from depression, fear, and shame because they think that as Christians they should tolerate or even submit to abuse. This is a misunderstanding of Biblical teaching!  God never wants one of his children to be ashamed – he always wants us to cling to Christ for mercy!

It never seizes to amaze what we believe. Some people will believe just about anything to get what they want or what they think they want. I have befriended criminals, addicts, sex offenders, and many other people that society has condemned. Yet there is one thing that still turns my stomach every time I it happens, when a Man hits a woman. I have heard many of the excuses.

“Oh she deserved it”

“She knows I love her when I do it”

“This is what a Man does. We control our women”

“It’s My Business”

There is nothing more repulsive to me than when a man decides he has the right to hit a woman. That somehow it is OK. We have started to address bullies in the school and when it is our child that is being bullied we need to do something. It is not right.

Somehow we see the women as an adult and we turn the other way. We say “She can walk out.” or “Maybe it’s her fault.” But the truth of the matter is not that simple. We need to understand that violence can come in many forms and many times ever so slowly that we don’t see it coming. This is why we need to be alert looking for the signs and symptoms of abuse. Caught early and dealt with can save not only the victim but also the abuser if they are ready to confront themselves.

I’ve talked with many people who misunderstand the Bible’s teaching on submission in marriage and family or to authority in general.  The Bible does not teach husbands to control their wives!  And it does not give parents authority to punish their children in anger. Nor does it teach to submit blindly to church officials.

In the Bible we’re taught to submit to one another as unto Christ.  Both men and women are taught to serve others with humility and respect and to be compassionate and kind to other people, especially children. At the same time, we are also taught to set boundaries.

Other times people tell us that since Jesus was silent when he was scourged and crucified that they should just take it when someone abuses them.  There is a time to endure persecution out of love for Christ (participating in the fellowship of his sufferings) and as a witness for Christ to others.  To endure persecution in the right way you need to have developed good internal boundaries and self-esteem through your relationship with Christ so that you’re able to experience mistreatment without absorbing or internalizing it in a way that produces shame or fear in you.

Consider these teachings from the Bible:

Jesus says we need to protect children and be careful never to mistreat them (Matthew 18:6).

Men and women are both encouraged by Jesus to humble themselves as little children (Matthew 18:2-4).

Don’t think of yourself as more important than others (Luke 9:48, Mark 9:33-35).

Those who want to be great leaders should seek to serve others as Jesus did (Matthew 20:25-28).

Wives and husbands are to submit to each other, following Jesus’ example of humble service (John 13:12-17, Ephesians 5:21).

For a husband to be the “head” of his wife is for him to follow Jesus’ example of being a servant-leader who did not lord it over us, but sacrificially gave himself for us. Husbands are to love their wives, give themselves up for their wives, care for their wives as they care for their own bodies, just as Christ does for the church. The wife’s role of submitting is in this context. (Mark 10:42-43, Ephesians 5:22-28, 1 Peter 5:1-4).

When we’re angry at a loved one who has mistreated us we’re encouraged to express our anger by speaking the truth in love (Ephesians 4:15, 25-26).

Violent behavior, perverse speech, and injustice are evil (Proverbs 8:13, 13:2, 24:1-2, 28:5).

We are to avoid, shun, and hate evil – abuse is evil (Proverbs 3:7, 8:13, Romans 12:9, 1Thessalonians 5:22).

Like Jesus, we should not submit to evil or let others control us (Matthew 12:15, 16:21-23, John 6:15).

When we are sinned against Jesus encouraged us to confront the person in private. If he doesn’t listen then we’re to bring one or two witnesses along. If he still doesn’t listen we’re to withdraw ourselves from him until he changes. (Matthew 18:15-17)

Withdrawing (without reacting in anger) from someone who continually sins against you is important self-protection and it is the best way to help the one who violated you (1 Corinthians 5:5, Titus 3:10-11).

 

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Thank you!

Ron

Ronald Bender- President/CEO Bender Consulting.~http://www.benderbytes.net/bender_consult