I talk with group leaders, counselors, parents and other
care-givers who are struggling to be “cheerful givers” (2 Corinthians
9:7). In their helping of others they’ve become tired, stressed, or
burned out. Boundary problems are a main reason why we experience tremendous stress.
Why Boundaries are Important
Personal boundaries are what define your identity. They’re like the
property lines around a home. This is me — what I value, am good at,
believe, need, feel — and that is not.
To know yourself and be secure that you are loved is essential to all
relationships and activities. The better your boundaries are the
greater your capacity to offer empathy and love to others.
It’s especially important for care-givers speaking into the lives of others. It is important to learn ways set limits for the care of our own soul.
First of all, because they have needs to be loved and respected as much
as anyone else! Secondly, a care-giver with weak boundaries
will eventually become so stressed or emotionally depleted as to be
ineffective in helping others.
Boundary Problems
Tired care-givers often have trouble saying no and avoid speaking the
truth in love. They are more readily drawn into trying to rescue other
people and without realizing it may end up enabling selfish or
irresponsible behavior in the people they’re trying to help. They may
get so enmeshed with the people they care for that they lose themselves
(they aren’t able to express their true self).
Usually people who minister to others as pastors or counselors are
sensitive-hearted and prone to take on other people’s problems. If they
don’t have clear personal boundaries and limits they get weighed down
and walked on.
Eventually they start having problems with anger. They just can’t continue being so helpful and caring all the time!
I Thought it wasn't Nice to Say No
In the early years of my ministry as a counselor and pastor, like
many Christian leaders, I had the problem of feeling guilty if I set
boundaries.
I thought I had to say yes to what people felt they needed from me. I
tried to please people and make them happy – I never wanted anyone to
be disappointed or upset with me. To me it seemed selfish or “not
nice” to say no to people with hurts and needs.
Finally I realized that I was not experiencing Jesus’ words, “It’s
more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). The problem was me! I
was not a cheerful giver. I was giving out of compulsion and emptiness
and wasn't experiencing the grace of God abounding to me so that I could
become a cheerful giver (2 Corinthians 9:7-9).
My pressured, enmeshed, and selfless way of helping others was causing me to be more and more anxious, depressed, and angry.
Studying Jesus’ Boundaries
One of the things that helped me was to look prayerfully at the life
of Jesus. I studied the gospels carefully and learned some things that
surprised me because I hadn’t been taught them in church.
I discovered that in his humanity Jesus had limitations that he
accepted in a relaxed way. And he had personal needs that he put
priority on — sometimes even over the needs of other people — and he did
so without feeling guilty.
I saw that Jesus wasn't always nice to people. Often he didn't’t do
what people wanted. There were many people he didn't help. And when he
did help other people he expected them to do their part.
This helped me to trust that it was right (not only healthy, but also
holy) for me to learn how to say no to people and live within my
limitations.
In outline form I’d like to share with you some of the key points of
my Bible study on Jesus and his boundaries. This is the same outline
I’ve used in dozens of classes I’ve taught to church counselors and
ministry leaders on setting limits and learning to be joyful givers.
Jesus, in his Incarnation, had Limits that he Accepted
Basic Needs. He ate healthy foods, got the sleep he
needed and even took naps, took time to relax, and did a lot of walking
(Matt 4:6-7; 26:18, 20; John 12:2).
Support from Friends. He sought the company of friends (Matt 26:36-38).
Solitude. He withdrew from the crowds to go away on retreat, alone or with friends (see Jesus’ Rhythm of Life for many Scriptures that show this).
Singular Focus (This people, this place, this time). He left one city to go to another because he couldn't’t be in two places at the same time (Mark 1:38).
Pace of Life. He was never in a hurry, except to go to Jerusalem and embrace his cross (John 11:6; Mark 10:32).
Jesus Said No to Inappropriate Behavior
Demands. He withdrew from the crowds who wanted him, for one-on-one time with the Father (Luke 5:15-16).
Abuse. He fought his way through the crowd that was
trying to throw him off a cliff for claiming to be the Messiah
(Luke 4:28-30).
Entitlement. He didn’t give in to his mother and
brothers who tried to use their relationship with him to pull him away
from the crowd he was ministering to (Matthew 12:46-50).
Baiting Questions. When the religious leaders asked
him baiting questions to make him look foolish he answered with
incisive questions of his own (Matthew 21:23-27, 22:15-22).
Cynicism. He said no to Herod’s mocking demand, “Show us a sign that you are the Son of God.” (Luke 23:8-9).
Manipulation. He said no to Peter and the disciples
who had an inappropriate agenda for Jesus to a political king or
military warrior rather than a sacrificial lamb. (Matthew 16:23).
Pride. He didn’t heal those who were too proud to trust Him (Matthew 13:58).
Jesus Spoke the Truth in Love to those Stuck or Wrong
Exploitation. He used a whip to clear out the
temple of the vendors and money changers who were taking advantage of
the poor and turning God’s house into a marketplace (Matthew 21:12-17,
John 2:12-16).
Addiction. He told the Rich Young Ruler that he
couldn’t help him until he gave away the money that was controlling him
(Matthew 19:16-21).
Misguided. He rebuked the disciples who tried to
keep the little children away from him and told them that they needed to
emulate the children’s faith (Matthew 19:13-15).
Jesus Had Expectations for People in Need
What do you want? Two blind men called out to him
for help from the Jericho road. He asked them, “What do you
want me to do for you?” They needed to ask for what they
needed and they needed to trust Him (Matthew 20:29-34).
Do you want to get well? For 38 years the invalid
at the Sheep gate pool hadn't been able to get into the miracle
waters. He felt helpless and sorry for himself. He
expected someone to fix his problem. Jesus challenged him, “Do you
want to get well?… Get up! Pick up your mat and walk.”
It was up to him to be motivated and to take responsibility for
himself (John 5:1-14).
Do you believe? A father sought deliverance for his
son who was mute and had seizures and said to Jesus, “If you can
do anything, take pity on us and help us.” Jesus put it back
on the father, “`If you can’? Everything is possible for
him who believes.” The father needed to believe that Jesus
could cure his son (Mark 9:17-27).
Jesus Offered Grace and Truth as Needed (John 8:1-11)
The humble and broken. To the woman caught in adultery he offered grace (“Neither do I condemn you.”) and truth (“Go and sin no more.”).
The proud and self-righteous. To the Pharisees who
tried to condemn this woman and to trap Jesus he listened (grace) and
then confronted their pride and scape-goater with the truth (“Let him
who is without sin throw the first stone.”)
Jesus Taught Boundary Setting
Personal Prayer Time: “But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen” (Matthew 6:6).
Be Honest (Don’t Try to Get People to Do Things): “Simply let your ‘Yes’ be ‘Yes,’ and your ‘No,’ ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one” (Matthew 5:37).
Set Priorities: “No servant can serve two
masters. Either he will hate the one and love the other, or he
will be devoted to the one and despise the other” (Luke 16:13).
Please God, Not People: “How can you believe if you
accept praise from one another, yet make no effort to obtain the praise
that comes from the only God?” (John 5:44).
Obey God: “What do you think? There was a man who
had two sons. He went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work today in
the vineyard.’ ’I will not,’ he answered, but later he changed his
mind and went. Then the father went to the other son and said the
same thing. He answered, ‘I will, sir,’ but he did not go.Which of the two did what his father wanted?” “’The first,’ they answered” (Matthew 21:28-31).
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President and CEO of Bender Consulting Ron Bender shares the Truth from his heart.
